No, I haven’t truly taken off yet. My journey barely started, plans barely set in place… and here comes my first true hurdle. Myself. My body is deteriorating. My health is getting worse, I can feel it… but I’m not quite sure why.
This isn’t the first time that I had these roller-coaster-like emotions, no… but it’s the first time that I’m uncertain why I have them. A friend said, that I should observe my body, and yes, that’s what I will. Sure, I’m not quite the lucky kind of guy, so I expect things to get worse and worse.
I wonder what kind of sickness this is… I wonder, if subconsciously… I’ve started to let go of the will to live.
Mother, will be heading to Germany as it seems – not me. I’ll be left here to perish along with my dreams, my hopes and all.
Situations at home have gotten worse. An unexpected event is likely to take place. The first one, was well received… another, not so much – even for myself.
I feel very disappointed in myself, in my being… I’m a total letdown. No matter how good I mean to talk myself into being productive, positive thinking and all – it has little effect, and if it spells any difference at all, it barely affects me for a day or two.
There’s no God that can help me, and I’m too afraid to turn to any God – for I’m sure, that I’d just be a huge letdown for him too.
In summary, my heart is thorn apart, my body is weakening, my health is getting worse, my mind is filled with so many confusing thoughts – but what’s worse, what’s truly worse of them all is… my soul is losing its will to live. Someone, save me, please?